The Journey

A one way ticket to dust.

A long, straight road with a final destination.

Close your eyes and imagine.

Do you see there far in the distance?

What you have always dreamt of?

Goals and desires. Success. Happiness.

Isn’t that what we all want?

Isn’t that why we are here?

 

It’s always out of reach.

The train don’t stop.

It doesn’t wait for you.

 

Is not your heart fixed on something beyond the horizon?

You think you can see it glimmering at the edge of your perception.

What happened to seizing the moment?

What happened to living in the now?

Look out of the cabin window,

Is it not beautiful?

All that exists,

All that moves,

All that is.

 

Take a step back and see.

The proximity of the light.

The distant stars grow dim.

Focus child!

Waiting for the final stop, is waiting in vain.

Nothing awaits you there, if you have no journey to cherish.

Tell me about your journey?

Sing me your song.

It may be over soon.

 

It was a beautiful day.

The sun shone,

The birds sang,

I was glad to be alive.

 

Where are you headed child?

Where are you going this moment?

Find a reason to smile and be glad.

This is a moment.

Sixth Floor Thoughts

At the top of the building I sit and stare,

The vast horizon disappears to nowhere,

The skyscrapers like the trees sprout from the ground,

Why to this place are these things bound?

 

The sparrow flies free high overhead,

Why is the ginger kitten unable to soar in its stead?

It’s not fair.

Must not despair.

 

Helium rises to infinity and beyond,

Yet gravity keeps me here: an earthly prison bond.

 

The blue ocean, is it really there?

I can hear its life in motion, but could that also be a delusion?

What more I shall not want than life’s mystery conclusion.

 

Perceiving my surroundings, I admire its beauty,

Do I have a reason here, or is the physical state my only duty?

 

Anger: Burn It With Fire!

Argh! Everyone has those moments when you just want the world to burn, but when the moment is nigh, you feel like a different person. All of a sudden you have this suppressed energy, this  supercharged magma just waiting to erupt. Energy which seems to come from nowhere, not that the laws of physics would allow it, but man, if I had the chemical recipe for anger, I would mass produce it and sell it a chemical weapon of mass destruction. Mass destruction in a 330ml can: this is the future folks… fuel your car with bio-fuel! A can will let you travel 350 kilometres! Sign me up.

Wait. What was that about feeling like a different person?

You think you can control anger? Think again. Your anger fuels you. Anyone seen Studio Ghibli’s “Howl’s Moving Castle.” If not, there is a character called Calcifer. Calcifer is a fallen star who has it’s owners heart. Calcifer takes the form of a very cute, sarcastic flame. Now, imagine Calcifer, on a really, really bad day. like the worst day of his life. That is anger. Now imagine if you put this raging Calcifer in a can and tried to fuel your car with it. Yes… My bets are on your car exploding, or if Calcifer was particularly hungry, maybe he’d just eat your Volvo… Nothing quite like old Volvo’s. Great tasting cars. Ah, man, that is some beautiful imagery right there. Anyway, the point is, when Calcifer gets you, you loose control. As much as I want a certain building to burn, nothing good would come out of it. Nothing good ever comes out of acting out of anger.

Where did the rage come from anyway? Last time I checked my emotometer (emotional meter… get it? Yes, I’m hilarious…) was on stressed. Actually, make that stressed, a touch of blue, lots of work to do, insecure, family tension, panicked about labs and Uni outside activities, and just fill the rest of the meter up with some more blue. Maybe I wasn’t in the best of moods prior the anger… A lot of the time anger isn’t an instantaneous process, it builds up and grows over time. The volcano may have erupted due to something small, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem are those small things that live at the back of your head. Insecurities, stress, worry, tension. All considered to be small things, but put them in a pot and use the wrong seasoning, BOOM! Recipe for anger achieved.

Maybe the best solution would be to solve all the little things. It seems like a bad idea to let them grow out of control. It’s the precious diamonds you want to store at the back of your mind, not anger inducing junk. Those can go in the “Deal with Immediately Emergency Pile.” Solve the small things, go for a walk and enjoy the sunny roller-coaster that is life.

All the best I wish unto you.

What is Success?

So. University is about to start again, which means days will start at 8 and finish at 6 – at least, this is the goal. It’ll be hard to get accustomed to the much earlier starts. Lately, I’ve been working a lot of midnight shifts, hence most days I don’t get out of bed until in the early hours of the afternoon… Yes, let us not talk about the days when I’ve gotten up when others turn in for the night. However, the idea of getting up early doesn’t phase me. What does bother me? Many things I suppose. Lack of motivation mainly. Anxiety too. Sometimes the line between then seems so vague they just become one and the same thing. Throw some depression, insecurity and fear into the same pot, give it a stir, and you end up with a good recipe for something that can not be considered success. How you ask? Well, all of those things have two things in common: they make you feel like shit, and more often than not it’s dealt with by not dealing with it: sleeping. Sleep is my best friend. Can you see where this is going? That’s right, it’s not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere. I stay right here. In my room, in bed, asleep. And this ladies and gentlemen, is the story of my life. 

For the past week, I’ve been anticipating – or rather dreading – exam results to come out. Having spent too much asleep, with very little input, you won’t be surprised to hear I’m not expecting good things. I guess the quote:

Good things come from hard work,

Speaks truth. I don’t think success comes from good grades, or materialistic possessions, or money. So, what is success if none of these? Good question. I think success is when you work hard, to the best of your ability, and this brings you satisfaction. The outcome does not need to be perfect, but if you work hard, and get a result you are happy with, then boom, success. 

This is all a bit predictable, and who knows if there’s any truth to it. One thing can be said though. I do not work hard enough to have success. That is all I know. Maybe this year, this little lazy kid will get her butt out of bed and do things. Study, work, socialise. Who knows, Maybe success is an infinitely tall mountain. You climb and climb, but never reach the top. This year I will start climbing, and maybe I’ll find some gems hidden in the mountain of success. 

A Bitter Bleak Blue

 

In this dimension I saw you once or twice,

Related we are, but still not quite.

Heard much about you I had, there was much to be said.

Not just from your mother, but others as well.

 

I’m terrible at names, but you sat next to me that day,

Clothed in a cheeky smile,

You radiated great vibes that summer day.

Your very soul sang along to the melody of the waves.

 

Cigar resting between fingers, I watched you laugh.

I listened to you speak, and you were born with a gift.

Not everyone is bright, but you were a developing star.

Such potential you had, and where is it now?

 

Like the vast ocean, you were very much alive.

Never did I imagine I would be the one left here,

 

If anything has ever changed my views on anything, you’re it.

Many a tears I have shed.

I met you only once.

The path of destruction is clear to see.

I rage at your rashness, I rage at your success.

How could you leave, when precious things behind you left?

The ocean was never meant to be stilled.

 

My fury is overtaken by sorrow,

I know what life can be like.

It’s not easy facing the never ending demons of tomorrow.

My thoughts wander, and empathies takes flight.

Sometimes it’s the silence and nothingness that push you down.

 

Little did I know you were suffering as well.

Our first hello was our last,

There never was a farewell.

This dim light is still here, but why!? I cry and ask.

I made it here, and you did not.

I bear evidence of the fight.

My temporary solution is here to stay,

Your permanent one is too, I’m afraid…

 

Why, my dear, why?

Could you not have stayed?

 

Even at the end of the road,

When all hope is lost,

And there is no other solution.

Tomorrow always comes after dawn,

So make the most of every moment,

Will this be our New Years resolution?

 

~ Nommerse

Blog 2017

So. Blogging, huh? Not exactly my cup of tea, but it felt like something I should finally do. For Christmas this year… Let me rephrase: For Christmas 2016 I didn’t want anything big. Small, thoughtful things that would put a smile on my face was all I desired. My little brother went out and got me a diary, or journal, or whatever you want to call it.

To anyone else, it’s probably just a notebook with dates in it. Useful for keeping track of lectures, appointments, meeting and other events. For me, it’s a wake up call.

I am a time waster. I never do anything. I live like a ghost. I exist, but it’s like I’m barely there. If we’ve made plans, chances are I will cancel last minute, and if I don’t, well, I’ll find an excuse to escape and crawl back into bed. Sleeping is something I do well, socialising and lectures, not so much. I never make plans, and if I do, I cancel.

With this wake up call from my dear little brother, I will attempt to sleep less and study and socialise more this year, and most of all, stick to plans. I figured writing a blog would be a good way to rant and share little stories.

Here’s to a plan filled 2017!